Knowing oneself is extremely important, as it enables us to achieve what we want & understand our own situations in a more objective way.
1. I log a lot – 14.08.2021
It has always been a habit of mine to keep up records like diary, study schedule, thoughts in my notes. And during my exchange stay, I realized that I was logging too much when my friend gave me a nudge saying “You spend more time writing down cooking recipe, than actually cooking”. This can also correlate to the “Planning too much” aspect of myself, but let’s focus on the logging itself here.
To give a brief history on how my logging obsession started, I got a diary from my buddy in Middle-school, a yellow diary. I’m not sure exactly why she gave it to me, but from that day I started writing down my goals and study objectives for each day. The note got so full sometimes, and I logged a lot of things (like drawings of what I saw, moon phase diagram, paragliding picture).
Then, I entered Highschool, still keeping the diary habit. And I realized I was using a lot of papers to write down math equations and stuff. So, I wanted to keep them in a single note, which I later on called “NLOG (Note Log, kind of like VLOG : Video Log)”. I almost always had it with me, and I captured my most brilliant moments inside it, since I studied / thought / operated out of that note. I would always write down the “time” when I am making a certain note, to give a reference to my future self.
And nowadays, I actually don’t use it too much (I actually found that when I’m being less creative, I use it less at times), for example the latest entry ins from August 9th (monday), at 3:16 AM, note of myself studying for the ‘Recursive Estimation’ Exam that day. But I have an urge to use it a lot of times. I am afraid to forget something, and I just want to log absolutely everything.
Throughout this process of understanding my obsession with logging, I came to realize why other don’t value the ‘documentation’ aspects of the project the same way I did. For example in two engineering projects I was involved with (WJPL, SLT): I would always log a lot of stuff for the team, but it wasn’t necessarily really useful (compared to the effort that went into it). And I was often frustrated why my teammates weren’t logging as much as I was. Not knowing, I am the top few % of people who logs a lot.
Moving forward, how will this affect me? Well, I will not stop logging it self anytime soon, but I think I can log less and try to live in the moment. Even couple of days ago, my friends were saying “Junwoo always records”, when I was taking panoramas and photo / videos at the BBQ. Also, during a mountain traverse in February of 2021, people often noted that I was taking too many videos with GoPro, and slowing down the speed. It’s just a habit that I had for around 6 years at this point, so it’s not so easy to break it, but I’m at least glad now I realize the presence of the obsession itself.
#logging #obsession
2. I don’t know myself really well – 14.08.2021
There was this distinct moment from Highschool that I remember so clearly. It was a ‘Korean Linguistics’ class I believe. I was sitting right behind my good friend, and we were doing some discussions as a task on some philosophical / opinionated issues, and he told me : “You don’t know yourself that well, you think of yourself as the version you think you want / aspire to be”. At that moment, I was a bit shocked and didn’t have much to say, I just replied back saying “No it’s not true”.
Then there was this another occasion in a cafeteria in Highschool (yes, this one), when I asked my friend the question “Am I strongly opinionated?” Then he replied “Yes, very”, and I insisted that I am “Centered and Neutral most of the time”. Which was the version of myself that I aspired to be at that time, as I was going through this crisis, thinking of what it means to be objective and right.
And recently, I had an argument with my girlfriend on a certain topic that I was giving ‘opposite view’ on. Although there was also a pressure to not be too against her since she was reacting very aggressively (touching on a sensitive subject), I also realized the next day that I didn’t really support that argument as much as I thought. And the funny thing is, this was the same situation I was in 3 years ago, “trying to stay neutral, supporting opposite views”.
This is also shown in my post : Inequalities, and moving forward in my life, which states:
It is quite ironical (and contradictory) to say that “I like challenging people’s desire to stick to the socially-right answers”, since that is kind of taking a neutral stance as well (or is it not?). Since I usually delay my answer (i.e. being neutral) to a question (e.g. “Do you think rape is bad?”), to figure out what kind of opinions the other person actually has in mind.
Application in argument with others
I have overridden my actual opinion with this ideal thought / desire to stay “neutral”. And I hate that I create these conflicts with people (and often times I think I am still right), because I don’t want to follow the general consensus. Although it can be explained with ‘morals’ and such, I think that having our own opinions is more important. Even when someone calls you ‘sick’ and ‘mentally unwell’, I wouldn’t believe it right away.
It is a constant battle of mine, as I actually think that I have some part of my opinion that raises the opposing view, so I wouldn’t ever be 100% opinionated, but maybe I can state my major opinion first (the 99%), before arguing with the opposite end. Since I now have learned that people can find some of those opposing views really un-acceptable, making them emotional and unable / very hard to sympathize.
Application in my own beliefs
Well, perhaps this is the most important point. I should really know what my opinion is, since it will guide me through my life. On each decision that I make, I need to evaluate myself objectively. I believe that this is achievable by really thinking deeply about it, surpassing the initial ‘inkling’ which most likely is my ‘aspiration’.
3. I really don’t like South Korea – 14.08.2021
So, a little bit of background. When I was 10 years old, I was already studying a lot of math and science, mostly due to my parents guidance. It was couple of hours per day, including private tutor, private academy and self studying time. I already had this “grand goal” set by my parents, of going to a “International Highschool”, then “Science Highschool”, then to “KAIST (Engineering school in Korea)”.
Then, I had the opportunity to go to the United States of America as an exchange student. I think I was speaking around B1 ~ B2 level of English (introducing myself, having simple conversations) when I departed South Korea.
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4. I plan too much – 14.08.2021
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(IDEX). (LESSON_NAME) – (DATE_ADDED)
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(IDEX). (LESSON_NAME) – (DATE_ADDED)
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Junwoo Hwang 